Merry Christmas

Merry Christmas, friends! The holidays always tend to sneak up on me, but this year they did more than ever. Autumn was a blur. I’ve been sick off and on since August and hardly remember what it feels like to breathe, sleep, or function normally. Most of my free time this season has been spent traveling back and forth to my dad’s place, clearing it out, and dealing with pieces of his estate (and all the meetings, forms, and calls with attorneys and agencies that come with it). The last few weeks, I was preparing for an all-hands-on-deck couple of days with family to tackle most of the remaining tasks and to host my brother and his family, who were in from Texas, at our home for a few days following.

I’ve never gotten around to decorating for the holidays so late, and almost decided not to at all this year, but I’m so glad I did. The past week, it’s been so nice for all of us to come home to the warm, cozy glow, especially after long days spent in the cold and rain and snow. And I like to think it felt like an extra special space for my nieces and nephew to spend their time in Indiana. We were all so thrilled they got to experience snow while they were here, and gather round the table with hot cocoa afterwards, and read Christmas stories before bed each night… but not before chasing their cousin Rosie around the house and asking for just a few more marshmallows.

After we saw them back off to Texas on Sunday, I began rushing around for the next couple days—Christmas Eve with my mom’s family and then hosting Jeremy’s family on Christmas Day—and was feeling hesitant about both as I was stopping to blow my nose and take cold meds between making grocery lists and tidying up. One by one, both sides of the family reached out to let us know that they’d tested positive for COVID. I jumped on the testing bandwagon and am negative, but still very much down for the count. So, we’ve looked to reschedule our time with family and are cocooning at home alone for Christmas.

It’s been an emotional holiday season to say the least. And quite frankly, doesn’t feel like Christmas at all this year. Knowing I won’t get to see or hear from my dad. Accidentally adding his name to the Christmas shopping list. Emptying out his home. Not knowing how to respond to family and friends when they send their holiday wishes, each with a twinge of sadness.

But I’m trying to soak up the comfort of home, appreciate the special time I had with my brother and his family, and embrace these next few days as a forced rest and reset that I may not have otherwise allowed myself. I’m hopeful that the self-care and healing I’ve put off for the past few months—both emotionally and physically—can begin now, as we say goodbye to 2024, so I can enter the new year stronger and with a newfound clarity and lust for life.

I hope that for you, too, friends. If you’ve been carrying an extra weight this year, or lost direction, or simply aren’t feeling yourself, I hope the warmth and comfort and slowness of the holiday and winter season provide you with what you need to begin building yourself back up again and to let your heart be light.